No. No, No, No.

I cannot think about Arizona any more this week. So instead I will think about something that's been annoying me longer than Jan Brewer has.

That would be those goddamn Charmin bears. You know the ones. The fucking cartoon bears that not only shit in the woods, as bears do, but also seem compelling to have Family Sharing Time afterwards in which they count how many pieces of toilet paper Papa and Junior managed to leave stuck to their asses this time.


This is not okay.

Seriously? Seriously. This is Charmin's major selling point, now that Mr. Whipple has gone on to harangue shopping housewife angels in the big supermarket in the sky. Charmin: Fewer Pieces Will Stick to Your Filthy, Filthy Ass. I have only one question.

Is this really an actual problem in the world? Are there people who dread the daily download because of how many "pieces left behind" they'll have to pick out of their cracks later on, presumably (hopefully?) dessicated and stuck to hairs in horrible ways? Are there people who come out of the bathroom and, like these goddamn bears of Satan, wiggle their asses at their family members in the hopes that it's not quite as bad this time as it has been the last seven thousand trips to the can?


Stop it. Seriously, just fucking stop it.

Fuck.

I have been out of diapers going on 42 years now, and not once--despite a couple of stints in South America, with all the attendant gastric distress and cheapo toilet paper that implies--not once have I wound up with disintegrated tissue stuck to my ass.

And if I did, I sure as fuck wouldn't waggle my ass at my mom.

Have I mentioned that I have a kid? I do. He has been out of diapers for a long time as well. I have never had to have The Talk with him about walking around with pieces of toilet paper stuck to his ass. I have never had to get after him with a broom, for chrissakes, trying to dig fuck-all out of his backside. I have, however, had to sit through more of these fucking commercials with him while innocently trying to watch basketball or the Colbert Report or just about anything else than I can count.


Goddammit. Stop. It. Now.

And because allllllll this just hasn't been enough of an assault on the public, Charmin has launched a website they are fucking calling enjoythego.com, which I steadfastly refuse to look at because if it's any worse than the Skidmarkstain Bears--and you know it has to be--I will be in nightmares and off my feed for a week at best.

Freshmates, anyone? Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.