Boltgirl v. US Soccer

Fucking US Soccer Federation. Did you know the Women's World Cup is coming up in two weeks? Did you know that individuals not named Mia Hamm actually play on the National Team? If not, you have the Fed to thank.

You probably do remember the '99 World Cup, the Brandi Chastain Sports Bra World Cup. That team was electrifying and managed to catch the interest of non-hardcore footballers, thanks to the magnetic personalities, stunning good looks, and kick-ass results delivered by the players on the roster. The WUSA quickly sprang fully formed from the forehead of Bob Contiguglia, the Fed banked on continuing to ride the cult of personality that rose around Hamm, Foudy, Chastain, Lilly, and Fawcett, the reins were handed to April Heinrich, and the program was promptly mismanaged into the ground.

Sure, they kept winning games, but they lost in the semis of the '03 Cup, the WUSA folded, Hamm retired, and the Fed desperately cast about for the next glowing straight-white-girl-next-door to be the face of the program instead of promoting the performance of the team as a whole. Never mind that some key holdovers from the '99 team were still in the stable, including the best goalkeeper in the world (Briana Scurry) and the most durable professional player of either gender (Kristine Lilly)--Scurry is complex, driven, and fiercely intelligent, but also black and gay, and while Lils is unbelievably fit, skilled, and gracious, she has the near-skeletal, angular visage of a marathoner and was pretty sexually ambiguous until her recent wedding to a fireman (did you hear the sigh of relief from 1801 S. Prairie in Chicago? I did). Abby Wambach quickly moved into a leadership role on the team and took on the mantle of top scorer. She's intelligent, witty, gregarious, big, and strong. She's also widely assumed to be gay.











Abby Wambach, leading US soccer scorer.

Shannon Boxx developed into the best defensive midfielder in the world, and is intelligent, gracious, attractive, and tough. And black, and possibly gay.

So who did the Fed do flips to promote as the New Face of American Soccer?

Heather Mitts.

Undeniably lovely, slender, blonde, well-spoken, and straight straight straight. She had finally worked her way up to being a mostly competent left back by the time she blew her ACL in WC qualifying, but the months leading up to that point had more than their share of dicey moments created by Mitts' poor decisions


Heather Mitts, the New Boobs Face of American Soccer.

with the ball and failure to mark. But no matter how sketchy her play on the field was, WNT promotions were all Mitts, all the time, leaving many of us with the gnawing suspicion that the Fed is desperate not to promote the athleticism of its athletes but the pretty faces of the players they're pretty sure most men would want to fuck.

The selection of Mitts as the poster girl speaks volumes about the Fed's assumptions regarding men's interest in this team. Hell, maybe they're right. It's not like soccer fans are legion in this country in the first place. It's the game of the soccer mom and her shrieking female offspring who made a career of screaming MIA MIA MIA at the '99 Cup and subsequent WUSA games, the people Nike assumes would still rather buy a cute pink Mia-in-a-heart t-shirt (no longer available, but the Mia legacy designs will probably never die) than a basic red, white, and blue WNT shirt. Male soccer fan who's psyched about watching the best team in the world fight for the world championship? Good luck finding a t-shirt you can wear. Actually, I'll save you the trouble. You will not find one because no one has made a WWC shirt in men's sizes. Go on. Look. Every single fucking shirt is a woman's cut. And if you don't have a specific female body type, good luck finding one that fits. Hint: if you have broad shoulders and lift weights, it ain't gonna happen.

The message is that even the governing body has given up on men being interested in these elite athletes as anything but pinup material because they are women. To that end, they are also ignoring the segment of the both the existing fanbase and the team itself that doesn't conform to a pretty narrow demographic. And in continuing to flog athletes that retired years ago, they're neglecting to foster new allegiances in the hearts of the kids whose support will make or break the future of the team. I don't think you have to be a lesbian to be pissed off about the emphasis on style over substance.