Last Debate Liveblog, Thank Dog

6:03 I wonder if McCain's shout-out to hospitalized "our beloved" Nancy Reagan pushed her over the edge into a coronary, since she can't stand the guy. She stayed friends with his maimed and subsequently abandoned first wife. Uh, rest well, Nancy!

6:07 It's the bailout. The back-and-forth format is already interesting as McCain and Obama get into it over Joe the plumber from Ohio, who will now have higher business taxes and won't be able to buy the business he worked for all this life. Obama: ooh, McCain's been watching too many McCain commercials. Five years ago when you were in a position to buy your business, you needed a tax break then, and I want to give guys just starting out a break now, so we gotta make some tough choices.

Goddamn but Joe the plumber's getting a lot of mileage. McCain: Obama told Joe we need to spread the wealth around, and he's going to do it by stealing Joe's money. Does not know why we want to raise taxes on anybody. Even businesses. Oh Christ here comes Ireland and their 11% rate again. If they have the lowest corporate tax rate in the world, why don't all the US businesses set up their shell corporations on the Emerald Isle instead of all those Caribbean ones?

Obama: Warren Buffet could have afforded to pay more taxes back when it would have helped Joe the Plumber (feel like I need to capitalize it at this point, Jesus!). Exxon Mobil can afford to pay more now to allow cuts for working families. Apparently Joe falls into that 5% of small businesses that make over $250,000 per year and isn't eligible for the Obama plan? I feel Joe the Plumber commercials and possibly action figures in the offing.

6:19 Schieffer: back on topic, old man! McCain is all yeah yeah whatevs, oh what would I cut? Everything! Spending freeze! Hatchet first! Then scalpel. I know how to save billions in defense spending (like knowing how to catch Osama?) but the only examples I will cite is eliminating sugar cane-based ethanol from Brazil (eat it, samba kings!) and that airplane contract again. And earmarks, which Obama is the king of. Obama: some programs don't work at all and some are underfunded. Earmarks account for one half of one percent of the federal budget (eat it, old man!).

6:23 McCain: Senator Obama, I am not President Bush, and if you wanted to run against President Bush you should have run four years ago. Oh, my, two points to McCain for the takedown on that one. That might be the snappiest line I've heard from him in this entire campaign. McCain is really coming out swinging and is looking at Obama, apparently making eye contact and even directly addressing Obama. When have you ever stood up to the leaders of your party?

Obama: lists things that don't make him popular with key Dem constituencies. Calls out McCain's 42,000 tax increase claim, says even Fox News disputes it (ha ha! says the audience). If I've occasionally mistaken your economic and energy policies for George Bush's, well, that's because you've voted like George Bush. McCain: your examples are not very convincing.

6:32 So, guys, what's up with this nasty campaign? Are you willing to say to each other's face what your campaigns have been saying? McCain: if we'd done ten town halls like I wanted, the tone of the campaign could have been very different. It's taken turns that aren't acceptable. I've repudiated every nasty remark, Obama hasn't (huh?). Obama has spent more money on negative ads than any campaign in history (aroo?). Said you'd take public financing but you didn't. Obama: John, 100 percent of your ads have been negative. I don't mind being attacked for the next four weeks but the American people want to hear about the economic crisis, and McCain's campaign said if they talk about the economy they lose, so they want to change the subject. Hmm, he does not address McCain's indignant insistence that he repudiate John Lewis. Oh, now McCain clarifies: ads that disagree with him are attack ads. Well, that clears things up.

6:38 Another Joe the Plumber shout-out. And how about John Lewis? Obama: without being prompted by me, Lewis said he was troubled by Palin's rally attendees yelling things like terrorist and kill him and Palin not doing anything about it. Acknowledges the comparison Lewis made to the Birmingham bombings was inappropriate, and says his campaign did put out a statement saying so, and that Lewis subsequently said whoops, my bad. When people suggest I pal around with terrorists, we're not talking about issues, we're *garble garble can't hear because McCain is interrupting for about the fifth time in the last three sentences.*

McCain: if you say those Military Wives for McCain are saying bad things about you, or those veterans who wear those hats from Vietnam, Korea, Iraq, I'm not going to stand for people saying that the people coming to the rallies are anything but the most patriotic men and women. Okay, I don't think Obama was talking about the Military Wives for McCain. I think he was talking about the people who can clearly be heard on video screaming terrorist and kill him when Obama's name is mentioned. McCain works up an impressive righteous lather, but it's misguided. Now McCain's sputtering about the mythical people at Obama rallies yelling the same things about McCain, which I don't believe they have.

GodDAMNit, Barry, quit fucking stammering and just say he's fucking lying and deflecting right now. But no, Obama goes right back to needing to create jobs but by the way being respectful to each other.

6:46 Baboom! Here comes Ayers and ACORN--they may be destroying the fabric of democracy! Obama outright starts laughing. Perpetrating the greatest fraud in history? Destroying the fabric of democracy? The fabric of democracy? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh Christ. I'm impressed Obama didn't spit-take and fall over. Obama: first, Ayers. What he did in the '60s was despicable. We serve on an education board that was started by Ronald Reagan, along with the president of Northwestern (a Republican) and the head of the Chicago Trib board of directors, also very Republican. He doesn't serve my campaign and he will not serve my White House. End of story. Next, ACORN. Gives the same history already reported by the Washington Post, Gawker, you name it, Obama's only association was representing them vs. the state of Illinois re: the Motor Voter law. Who does he actually associate with? Economically it's Buffet and Volpert. On foreign policy it's Biden, Lugar, and Gen. Jones (former NATO supreme Allied commander). That's who I associate with, and the fact that this has become the centerpiece of your campaign, Sen. McCain, says more about you than about me.

McCain: you launched your political campaign in Ayers' living room! Long association with bomber terrorist relationship ACORN! But my campaign is about creating jobs and not raising taxes so I don't really care about that other stuff. No, my eyes always bug out this way and I think pounding veins in my temples are rather fetching. Why do you ask, Bob?

6:54 Why is your running mate better than the other guy's? Obama: Biden has a brain. No, not really. Biden has senate experience and blue-collar Scranton experience. McCain: Palin is a role model for women, got that gas pipeline goin' to relieve the energy problems of what they call the Lower 48. Oh and she understands special needs families, including autism! (aroo?) She understands it better than any American I know! And her husband is a tough guy! Obama on Palin: she's done a great job on special needs (aroo?). I guess the Special Olympics are just a perk that don't really matter. Minor zing: a spending freeze will make it kinda hard to continue research on autism. McCain: yeah, Biden's okay, whatever. But really, why do you keep wanting to spend more? Uh, because autism researchers are probably cool people but don't do their work on a purely volunteer basis?

7:00 McCain: Canadian oil is fine but the Middle East and Venezuela, nuh-uh. We're going nuclear and we're going to store and reprocess all that waste with no problem. The Navy has always done it; it's just those radical environmentalists who insist it has to be safe. Obama: We can x out the Middle East and Hugo Chavez in ten years, but it ain't gonna be during my first term. We do need to stop borrowing from China to pay Saudi Arabia, though. We need to tell the oil companies to use or lose the 68 million acres they're currently leasing but not drilling (nb: because holding the land pumps up their liquidible assets and thus their stock prices). And do all that hydroelectric and wind stuff and what the hell let's drill offshore too (oh fuck me).

McCain: oh, I admire Senator Obama's eloquence. He's got a real way with words. SO YOU HAVE TO PAY REAL CLOSE ATTENTION BECAUSE HE USES HIS MAGIC WORD POWERS TO BE ALL TRICKY. Obama suppresses a guffaw.

7:06 McCain: Obama's never been south of our border, unlike me, who fucked the bejesus out of a Brazilian model back in the day. Columbia just let three Americans go, so now they're going to be a great free market for our goods! What? Obama: Colombia has a shitty human rights record when it comes to labor protestors, so I didn't support a trade agreement with them, but did with Peru since they're improved greatly in that arena. Oh, right, the question was about energy, and I'm all about efficient cars and turbines. McCain: whatever, Obama wants to talk to Hugo Chavez.

7:09 Christ, is this over yet? No? My eyes are starting to glaze. Obama wants to raise taxes, did you know that? I hadn't heard.

7:10 No, it's not over. Now it's healthcare time. Does Joe the Plumber have insurance? I am certain we will find out. Obama: get to keep your doc, keep your plan, if you don't have it you can buy into the same federal plan McCain and I have. McCain: American kids are lardasses. Here's your $5k. Oh, good, here comes Joe the Fucking Plumber again. McCain says Joe is going to be fined if he doesn't adopt the Obama healthcare plan! Obama wants a... a... bureaucracy in charge of healthcare! Who ever heard of a bureacracy in charge of an HMO? Small businesses are exempt, you prevaricating sack of shit, so Joe the Plumber will be fine, but big companies have to make sure their employees get coverage. Joe, if you're out there and you wanna give your tiny employees coverage, we'll give you a fifty percent tax credit to help pay for it. $5k sounds great but only if you're young and healthy. Once the healthy younguns opt out of employer pools, all you old people will be the only ones left and you won't be able to afford your new jacked up premiums, especially when McCain taxes your benefits. And the average policy costs $12k anyway, so STFU already. And there won't be any regulation of state insurance laws, so they'll all end up in the least regulated state in the nation.

7:18 Joe the Plumber is probably regretting that little photo op with Obama, since this has officially become the Joe the Goddamn Plumber to America Debate. Joe is suddenly rich now and has to pay the fine. Because McCain says he is? I'm confused. Jesus, I'm glad I'm not drunk, because then I would be even more confused. Or maybe it would all make sense, which is really scary. Wait, now McCain says the average policy costs $5,800. Somebody not telling the truth here.

7:21 Question: would you appoint a SC justice who disagrees with you on Roe v. Wade? McCain: I've never had a litmus test, but R v W was a bad decision and it should be a state decision. I voted for Breyer and Stevens even though I disagreed with them, Obama voted against Breyer and Roberts because he's an ideologue. Obama: shouldn't be a strict litmus test (me: unless it's on this issue, in which case it better fucking well be the only litmus test you have) even though R v W hangs in the balance. I believe it was correctly decided, good people on both sides can disagree on abortion, oh FUCK NOT THIS AGAIN says women are in the best position to make the decision, but throws in those fucking bullshit qualifiers of consultation with family, doctor, and minister. Seriously, Barack? &%$^%#%$#%^*&^&$$#$ FUCK. Jumps back on the Ledbetter bandwagon, but I'm no less pissed about the abortion line.

7:26 McCain: gotta change the culture, brings up the fucking canard of the Illinois legislature trying to ensure medical care for fetuses that survive an abortion, and also the partial-birth abortion crap. McCain is proudly pro-life. Obama: the first one is not true (McCain's eyes bug nearly out of his head). There was already an IL law requiring life-saving treatment; the bill in question was designed to undermine R v W. The partial-birth abortion bill did not contain a provision for the health of the mother, so I didn't vote for it. Even though I'm in favor of a late-term ban (McCain grimaces and rolls eyes). What we really need to do is prevent unintended pregnancies by educating kids and helping single moms if they want to keep the baby. McCain is twitching and bouncing and seriously coming out of his chair. McCain says there he goes again with that eloquence, so you have to pay close attention to what he says about... and then McCain spits out the word health, "the health of the mother" with a sneer like it's the most obscene double entendre he's ever heard, and he's been around a lot of sailors in the Navy, dontcha know. Says "the health of the mother" has been stretched to cover just about everything. Oh, nice. Don't fucking talk about "compassion," you fucking asshole. He touts his status as an adoptive parent (an adoption Cindy surprised him with, by the way; he probably figured she was coming back from Malaysia with a souvenir more along the lines of painted coconuts) as proof of his compassion and commitment to life. But the *spit* *sneer* health of the woman? Piffle. A myth. An obscenity.

There's a final question about education but I'm too pissed to care right now. McCain wants charter schools and executing underperforming teachers or something. I am ready for this motherfucking asshole to choke on one of his condescending cackles and drop dead.

Thank you and good night.

Last fashion note: Spouses on stage. I think we can all agree that this explains McCain's nonchalance about what the Navy's been doing with nuclear waste all these years. They've been weaving it into fabric for Cindy McCain's final debate dress. Holy shit. That thing is fucking glowing.