Maybe That's Not Going Exactly the Way They Said It Would

Seriously, who could ever have seen this coming? Certainly not me.

First, the $700 billion rescue for the economy was about buying devalued mortgage-backed securities from tottering banks to unclog frozen credit markets.

Then it was about using $250 billion of it to buy stakes in banks. The idea was that banks would use the money to start making loans again.

But reports surfaced that bankers might instead use the money to buy other banks, pay dividends, give employees a raise and executives a bonus, or just sit on it. Insurance companies now want a piece; maybe automakers, too, even though Congress has approved $25 billion in low-interest loans for them.

O RLY? Wow, talk about deja vu. This is totally like that time my idiot brother borrowed $1,500 from my uncle to pay his tuition bill but ended up blowing the money on a bachelor party for our other brother. And then had to borrow an additional 1.5K from our dad, which comes with more strings than the Kilkenny Harp Convention, and still hasn't paid our uncle back. At least the other brother's still married and has a couple of kids, so I suppose some good came of it, but still. Just wow.

And now Detroit is saying heeeeeeeeeyyyyyy wait a minute, did what the banks just did really just work that easily? Holy shit! We got next! and, despite not being able to find their asses with both hands a couple of years ago as they stubbornly insisted on continuing to produce Hummers instead of Priuses, are coming now with both those hands out for their own piles of taxpayer money. Remember, nicking a 250K earner's taxes up three percent to help ease poorer people's tax burdens is socialism bordering on communism, but nicking all of us to keep executives chin-deep in Armani and hired help is patriotism.

So far all they're getting from the government is $25B in low-interest loans. Could I have a little of that? A Boltbailout really wouldn't cost the taxpayers much. I have been fixated on the sum of $8,000 for a while, and while I can't really explain why that figure rings so hopeful, well, if Congress could just toss the 8K my way a lot of problems would be alleviated. I will start holding my breath right now on that one.