Helpful McCain-English Translat-o-matic

Oh, good. John McCain went on Meet the Press this morning and clarified the little kerfuffle involving his wife, a video camera, and a jaw-dropping twelve hours during which we thought there was a voice of reason in that marriage. In case it isn't clear, we're giving the senator a hand with what he's actually saying.

McCain: "I respect the First Amendment rights of every member of my family."

Actually means: But fuck if they get to exercise them. This isn't a fucking democracy here. So forget what the trollop thinks she thinks. There is one opinion here, and it is mine.

In the same vein, you may recall that Walnuts said he'd accept a DADT repeal if the military leadership wanted that, and then, after the military leadership said they wanted it, McCain said no, what he really wanted was a Pentagon study. Now that the Pentagon study has been leaked, well--quelle surprise--he doesn't want that either.

"A thorough and complete study of the effects, not how to implement a repeal, but the effects on morale and battle effectiveness, that's what I want," he added. "And once we get this study we need to have hearings, and we need to examine it, and we need to look at whether it is the kind of study that we wanted."

Actually means: We need to look at whether the study shows that the fags will destroy the United States military, because that is exactly the kind of study we wanted, where "we," of course, means John McCain.

And, apparently, if he gets the kind of study he wanted but the results aren't quite what he was banking on, he will call for hearings in his new now-with-38%-more-Republicans Senate. Because if there's one thing the GOP can do like pros, it's move the goalposts and spin and massage until the original facts become the truth they want.

McCain: I'm John McCain.

Actually means: I am the shameless asshole in charge here, and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

Whatchoo Talkin'....

Yeah, yeah. No. I'm sorry, but just no. No no no.

It will always be Sears Tower. Suck it, Willis.

Troubling Things, Troublesome Things

Drake Okusaka died on Friday, killed on his bike after being run over by a kid in a Nissan who was weaving in and out of traffic to the extent that he ended up in the bike lane. On top of Drake. I didn't know him very well, but we used to coach for the same soccer club here in Tucson, so for a while there we ran into each other pretty regularly at meetings and on the field. He loved kids, loved soccer, loved teaching the game to the tinies he coached. He always struck me as being very gentle and honorable, and seemed to make his top priority teaching the little girls and boys about fair play and good conduct. And now because an idiot teenager thought the mad driving skillz he picked up from Mario Karts were transferrable to the real world, Drake's gone. And that sucks.

Meanwhile, back at Chez Bolt, the neighbor lady reported an intruder in her back yard at 4:30 yesterday morning. Regrettably, her Perpetual Chihuahua was actually inside for the night, so the intruder escaped with ankles un-gnawed. The responding cop told us that our neighborhood and a few adjacent ones have seen a run on patio furniture, yard decor, and nice plants, because contractors have taken to appropriating landscaping and model home furnishings from people's yards rather than, oh, buying them themselves in these wretched economic times. I am fairly certain he was serious. He suggested chaining porch furniture to the posts or a bolt set in cement, and warned that high-value plants aren't safe even if they're in the ground rather than in a pot. If your expensive native vegetation can be lopped off at the ground and re-started in a bucket of water out in Rita Ranch, it will be. The cop even had a night-blooming cereus stolen from his own yard a few months ago. What the fuck, people?

Oh. Guess That's Settled, Then.

Last week I wondered if Obama's troubling decision to let bygones be bygones and not prosecute order-followin' CIA torturers was simply a token olive branch to the pro-torture camp, a gesture that would free him up to go after the White House legal flunkies who wrote the memos stating that torture was fine and dandy in the first place.

Apparently not.

Asked Sunday on ABC's "This Week" about the fate of those officials, Emanuel said Obama believes they "should not be prosecuted either, and that's not the place that we go."

O_o. Is there anyone we can prosecute, or do we just leave all-expense-paid tickets to Madrid lying around in strategic locations and sit back and hope the Spaniards follow through? This is getting more disillusioning by the day.

An Open Letter

To the nice person in Glendale who thought it would be fun to use my name and social security number to open cell phone accounts and lord knows what else: the next time you go to the trouble of the whole identity theft thing, you might as well pick someone who has actual assets. And since I don't like having to talk to credit reporting agencies, and really don't like people stealing my good name and heretofore sterling credit score, well, fuck you. Hope you cut some killer drug deals with the phones before they were cut off this morning, asshole.